Confessions of an Office Peon

I know it’s been a whole fellow followers and for that I apologize! But don’t worry ladies and gents I won’t leave you for too long again.
Okay this just happened… Right now….
Now along with my normal office peon duties, I have the pleasure of now offering beverages to our guests, clients and Hollywood hopefuls. (ugh) Most of the time everyone politely declines the beverages (mostly because they are nervous for their meeting or whatever they are here for). Nope not this Hollywood Hopeful

Hollywood Hopeful: My name is Hollywood Hopeful (name has been changed…obviously) and I am here to meet with __________

Me: I will let them know, while you wait would you care for some water, tea or coffee?

Hollywood Hopeful: Room temperature water… And only room temperature water

Well eff, we don’t have room temperature water. We either have hot water or chilled filtered water. Because of this I decided to mix the hot and the cold water to make room temperature water.

I give her the cup of water

She takes a sip

Hollywood Hopeful: (heavy sigh) this isn’t room temperature water and I specifically asked for room temperature water!

She forces the cup back to me and almost spills the (whatever temperature) water on me

Really? You are going to get mad over the temperature of the water I offered you? Do you really expect me to pull out a thermometer and take the temperature of the cup of water I give you?!?! Ugh

Oh letters of laughter… we meet again 

If you have missed the other three please click on the links below

Letters of Laughter

Letters of Laughter #2

Letters of Laughter #3

Also if you haven’t noticed by now the words that are underlined throughout various blog entries are actually links to past blog entries… I know awesome right?

ANYWAY… lets begin

Now I am going to apologize to the world in advance for this entry. Yes I am poking fun at this Hollywood Hopeful…. yes I know it might be a little mean…. but I am actually helping you the reader out on what NOT to do and if you get a little chuckle here and there then my job is done. Lets begin shall we:

Oh geeze…. 

First of all please ignore the terrible black out job I did… and lets focus on the email address. What the heck is rocketmail and who uses rocketmail? Whatever happened to gmail, aol, yahoo… heck aol. Is rocketmail some new hip and trendy email address all the kids are using nowadays? Am I really that far out of the loop? God I need a life outside of work. Also the pictures…. who thought this was a good idea? It’s almost as bad as these… remember these??? (click on the underlined link) Who thought sending two small black and white cell phone pictures to an agency was a good idea? Please save these for facebook (however 2 points for not using the dreaded duck face…. kudos hollywood hopeful). Now let’s draw our attention to being a role model. “I Love to be a role model to anyone at any age. For Example children from the age of 5 to adults at age 70” Translation if you are under 5 or over 70 you are shit out of luck!

What is with the education and training section… Basically you have NONE and yet you filled a paragraph with your nonsense. “Last year (2010-2011 school year) when we were registering for classes this year (2011-2012) I signed up for the drama class. They were not able to put me in it because it was overbooked”….

*silence*… cool

What the heck am I supposed to do with that information?!?!?!

Then the Educational Theatre experience… just reading books. Cool I read about Harry Potter it doesn’t mean that I am going to go to Hogwarts and live out my dream of being a wizard!!!!

Why the heck are you telling me about your cupcakes???? And I think your mom telling you that you should pursue a career in cupcakes is her nice way of saying that you have no idea what you are doing (shocker) and should probably not pursue this career. Then I love how the letter just ends. After all that nonsense you made me read you don’t have the decency to fill my brain with a conclusion full of nonsense ramblings… I am disappointed Hollywood Hopeful 

Oh Hollywood Hopefuls you never cease to amaze me with what you think a good idea is….

Now I want a cupcake 

Oh man this town is full of pretentious d bags, Hollywood hopefuls, and desperate souls. This is a story about one of those desperate souls. 

Where to begin with this doozy? Lets start off with I have caller ID and I love it. I am convinced that caller ID was invented by an office peon who was annoyed by relentless callers and wanted a way to avoid them. With caller ID I can obviously see who is calling me and who calls me repeatedly. Every day without fail Desperate Soul (name has been changed…obviously) calls and his name pops up on my caller ID…. Great just great. At first the calls were innocent enough, he called seeking for representation and I kindly transferred him to the submission line. After a few weeks (yes you read that correctly…WEEKS) things got interesting. He started calling and saying he was a professional photographer interested in working with our agency. For those of you don’t know or who are new to the industry, most agencies (I would think all but just in case lets stick with a majority) have an exclusive list of photographers that they recommend their clients to. This allows the photographers to have a steady flow of work, allows the clients to have a deal on photos and allows the agency to have final say on the photos (basically if they are awful or need some more work the agency can have the photographer reshoot for free). Anyway he actually got a meeting with one of our agents who was looking for more photographers to add to his list.

Now when you are a Hollywood Hopeful and you have a meeting with a well known and prestigious agency…. You should probably dress….oh I don’t know…. Decent? Apparently Desperate Soul did not get the memo. This cat looked as though he rolled in off the streets. His hair was all over the place, his jeans were a tattered mess, and his unbuttoned shirt was white with stains. Let’s be honest he looked like the morning after of a Las Vegas hangover.

Just a word to the wise, if you are a professional photographer and seeking a relationship with an agency you should also have a portfolio prepared. This is basically a book with samples of your work so that the agent can peruse and see if your work fits with what they have in mind. This guy had a stack of candid Polaroid’s (WHAT YEAR IS IT?!?!) of his family and pictures on his flip phone (please notice I said flip phone and not smart phone…. It was pretty much a RAZR phone, do you remember those phones?). What the heck? To make it worse he was completely serious about it… It was not like some practical joke this was real life. The agent had me sit in on the meeting because he was completely speechless by this Desperate Soul’s “presentation”.

Desperate Soul: Thank you for taking this meeting with me, I am sure you will enjoy my work

(he lays out the stack of Polaroid’s on the table)

Desperate Soul: I like to play with light and contrasting features which is prevalent in each photo

(These photos looked as if some middle school girl took them in the 80’s. They were not artistic whatsoever they were just random photos)

He then went on to talk about god knows what… I am convinced he googled “art terms” and came to this meeting because the shit that was coming out of his mouth did not make sense.

The meeting then ended with a handshake and

Desperate Soul: You know my daughter and I are also interested in acting and would like to be represented by your agency. Here are our headshots and resumes.     

(sure enough the head shots were professionally done)

Agent: Why didn’t you show me these head shots first?

Desperate Soul: What do you mean?

Agent: I thought this meeting was kind of a joke with the Polaroid’s and stuff but these head shots are really good and well done

Desperate Soul: uh…. Well thank you

Agent: Ya if this is the type of shots you can do-

Desperate Soul: I didn’t shoot these, I got them done at ___________

Agent: So you are saying you didn’t shoot these?

Desperate Soul: No I only have a Polaroid camera

Wow…. 

Mid life crisis: translation being in ones 40’s and 50’s and blindly thinking they are still 25…. for men its just creepy. This is one of those stories

At my office there is a guy who I am convinced is going through a mid life crisis. It started a few months with the Adele album. Every morning with out fail he would BLAST Adele from his office on repeat. Now I used to like Adele…. Yup I used to like her BEFORE I WAS FORCED TO LISTEN TO HER ALBUM ON REPEAT FOR MONTHS…. Yes you read that correct MONTHS!!! Now I loathe it with every fiber of my being. As soon as the hints of her piano waft through my speakers from the radio I instantly shut off my radio with the power and vigor of Thor himself.

Once he got over this phase, he switched it up…. to Goyte…. This time however not their new album… nope JUST THE ONE SONG and not just any song, it was “Someone that I used to know” song…. ON REPEAT… EVERY DAY FOR WEEKS!!!! I am so sick of that song I could seriously scream and bang my head on the keyboard. sljkhgalkjhgajdhflkshd (yes I just banged my head on the keyboard simply by thinking about it)

Now if this wasn’t bad enough he has started dressing like a twenty something surfer kid (mind you our offices are no way near the beach) and trying to get me to tell him about all the cool Hollywood “night joints” (his words…not mine)to go to. 

*shudder*

I don’t want to see some old guy grasping at his youth grinding up on twenty something year old girls… That kind of behavior is reserved for Hugh Hefner himself. 

Today I had a very creepy encounter with him. 

Since its getting to be summer weather again (thank god I can put away my sweaters and coats…. I know I know I live in LA how cold can it be… well I have lived in LA my whole life and anything under 65 degrees constitutes as freezing in my books), I have been wearing dresses and skirts to work. This morning when he saw me he gave me this super creepy once over. Like undressed me with his eyes.

*shudder*

I know I am the office peon but c’mon dude… DON’T HIT ON THE OFFICE PEON

If that wasn’t bad  creepy enough we just had this very creepy exchange of words

Crypt Keeper: You know you remind of someone 

Me: Really… Who?

Crypt Keeper: My first wife 

Me: Oh….. very cool 

(I mean how does one properly respond to this?)

*awkward silence*

Crypt Keeper: Aren’t you going to ask how many times I have been married?

(*sigh* Do I have to?)

Me:um…. okay…. How many times have you been married?

He leans closer to me over my desk and gives me this really creepy 70’s porn star smile and says the following

Crypt Keeper: None 

And winks at me 

(if you don’t get the joke… he is implying that I am going to be his first wife)

Pretty sure I just vomited in my mouth and pretty positive I am going to invest in some pant suits tonight after work….

Forgive me fellow readers for my absence. I was trying to take a step away from blogging because I felt my writing was heading towards a mean and judgmental path. However upon reflection I have realized that there are people I deal with on a daily basis that the world needs to read about and judge alongside of me. So I am back and in full force…. Buckle up its going to be one hell of a ride

I will never understand the mentality of being a pretentious, self- centered Hollywood Hopeful. If you are a Hollywood Hopeful you should be nice and appreciative NOT AN ENTITLED D BAG! Arg….Today I had the joy of dealing with such an individual

Mr Hollywood: Hello I am an actor and I am interested in learning more about your company

Me: Fantastic, if you like I can transfer you to our submission line which will detail exactly how to submit to our agency

Mr Hollywood: Actually I have listened to the submission line and I had a few more questions

(fuck)

Mr Hollywood: I am not from LA and I do not have a lot of money so does your agency provide housing and transportation for your actors?

Me: Unfortunately we do not provide free housing or transportation for new talent

(does any agency? If they do I should really rethink my life choices of being an office peon and become a Hollywood Hopeful)

Mr Hollywood: Really? You don’t? So then what do you do for your talent then?

(do you think that everything will just be handed to you on a silver platter?!?!)

Me: We are a talent agency that represents models and actors. If we are interested in representing you an agent will reach out to you and set up an appointment. At this appointment they will decide if they would like to further the process and begin working with you professionally. At this time you would need to either live in LA or be in a position where you could attend auditions. These auditions could be last minute and an agent would like you fully available to attend any and all auditions.

(I know I sound like a robot and I am fully aware of it)

Mr Hollywood: But what about talent that lives out of state or out of the country

Me: It varies on a case by case basis but for the most part agents prefer that you either live in LA or spend a majority of the year in LA to go out on auditions

Mr Hollywood: But I don’t have a car or a place to live

(well that sounds like a personal problem bucko)

*silence*

(because I am quietly judging a seemingly grown man who probably free loads and lives in the basement of his parents house)

Mr Hollywood: Ya I am going to have to speak to someone

(Speak to someone….WHAT AM I??? CHOPPED LIVER?!?!)

Me: Unfortunately at this time there is no one else to speak to

Mr Hollywood: No one… there is absolutely no one else that can take a phone call.

Me: Unfortunately all of our agents are busy with casting at the moment

Mr Hollywood: Well I need to speak to your manager or an agent who actually knows what they are talking about

(I am sorry what? Are you implying that I am stupid and incompetent?)

Me: Unfortunately you will not be able to

(and I will be damned if I transfer your call. Do not burn the bridge of the office peon sir! My patience is thin as it is and you just pissed me off)

Mr Hollywood: When is a good time to call back?

(Oh I don’t know….let me look at my calendar. How about sometime next…. NEVER!!!)

Me: Unfortunately all of our agents are busy with casting and will not be able to take your call

(did you really expect to speak to an agent and have them jump for joy at the prospect of representing you… I mean you do have SO many redeeming qualities you know with having no money, car and nowhere to live… you are a real catch… a real gem sir)

Mr Hollywood: Ya I got that little girl I need to speak to a grown up

(I am sorry but what the actual fuck just came out of your mouth?)

Mr Hollywood: and I am sure they will want to speak to me!

(doubtful…. Highly doubtful)

Me: They will not take your call sir

Mr Hollywood: I can’t believe this

(I can’t believe you either)

Mr Hollywood: Your agency runs a shitty business I mean what the fuck-

*I hang up*

Because why do I need to listen to this Hollywood nobody? I really should have hung up a long time ago but I have a really bad habit of doing so. For those of you who have never called agencies before, usually you do get hung up on. Probably 9/10 times if they don’t know you they will hang up on you. Because I possess some sort of human decency in my Office Peon soul I try and listen and help out as much as I can. IT IS PEOPLE LIKE THIS THOUGH THAT REALLY MAKE ME WANT TO START HANGING UP ON EVERYONE. You wonder why people are mean in this town? It’s from dealing with jerks like this guy!

UPDATE: After posting this Mr Hollywood called back….I promptly hung up on him…. Dumb ass

UGH!!!! 

I really don’t understand how someone can be so bitter and bitchy and just plain awful all at the same time!!!!

Me: I have a casting assistant on the line who is wondering where your client:        (name of client)   is for their   (name of audition)   audition 

The Witch: Well who is calling?

Me: A casting assistant from the __________ audition 

The Witch: What casting office?

Me: They did not give the name of the casting office 

The Witch: Well how I am supposed to call them?

(Why would you call them when they are on the line?)

Me: Do you want me to transfer back to them and ask?

The Witch: How are you going to call them if you don’t know what office it is?

Me: They are on the line, do you want the call or not?

The Witch: Why didn’t you tell me they were on the line?

(I did!!! Do you not listen to the words coming out of my mouth?!!?!)

*silence*

Me: Do you want the call?

The Witch: Obviously

(ugh and she wonders why I ignore her in the halls)

Well something bizarre happened to me at work this morning. (well something bizarre happens to me every morning but that is beside the point) 

I got to work (first one as usual) and started with my normal office peon day. That is until we had an office meeting and someone pointed out that an elderly co-worker and I were wearing THE SAME OUTFIT!!! Great I have the same taste as an old woman. I felt like Pam and Phylis on the office in the episode about casual Friday…. 

I need to go shopping, anyone want to donate to the peon is poor and needs new modern clothes?  

Today I had the random craving for chocolate milk.I know random…. ANYWAY I walked to the commissary (basically a giant lunch room for adults) and got a chocolate milk. It wasn’t until I was back in my office that my worst nightmare was realized…. the chocolate milk was bad. I spit it out. Apparently someone in the chocolate milk factory was playing a delayed April fools joke on unsuspecting victims (namely me…ugh) and putting expired milk in bottles that were said to expire in a few months…jerks.

Anyway I called over to the commissary

Me: Hey, I was just over there and I wanted to let you know that the chocolate milk is bad

Employee: I am sorry I see that you are calling from ___________ I will send someone right over to your office 

Me: No its okay I just wanted to let someone know

*click* (they hung up on me) 

It’s not like I wanted to cause a big stink or anything I just wanted them to know. Anyway about 15 minutes goes by and two gentlemen walk into my office. Before I continue I feel as though I must describe these two gentlemen. The one who did all the talking reminds me of this:

The other man was more like this: 

an Italian, silent version of the Rock. 

Now that you have the visuals lets move on with the story

Mob Boss: Are you the one who called about the chocolate milk?

Me: Yes I am. I really didn’t mean to cause any-

(he cuts me off mid sentence)

Mob Boss: I am the Mob Boss (name has been changed…obviously) and this is my associate

(he points to the big burly man behind him)

Me: Hello it’s nice to meet you- 

(he cuts me off again and points at the chocolate milk on my desk)

Mob Boss: Is this the chocolate milk in question? 

(I can only nod because it seems like he wants to do all the talking) 

 Mob Boss: May I? 

(I nod again) 

He takes the chocolate milk from my desk and holds it up to his nose

Mob Boss: Wow that is bad. Here (he hits his associate who is holding a new chocolate milk) take this as a token of gratitude 

Me: Thank you but I really- 

(he cuts me off again)

Mob Boss: I insist 

Me: Thank you 

*awkward silence*

(he points to the chocolate milk in my hands)

Mob Boss: Well….

Me: Did you want me to try it?

Mob Boss: Please 

(I take a swig hoping its not poisoned) 

Me: Yes that is much better

Mob Boss: Wonderful. It was a pleasure doing business with you and if you need anything don’t hesitate to call. (he turns to his associate) Alright we are outta here 

I had no idea that there was such a thing as a Chocolate Milk Mafia…. I guess you learn something new everyday 

Not only do I have to deal with pretentious actors, Hollywood Hopefuls and overall dum dums…. I have the joy to work with the dreaded Stage Moms. Ugh. To those of you who don’t quite understand the term Stage Mom a Stage Mom is a pushy, obnoxious CRAZY mother who force their kids to act, model or do anything in the entertainment world. In doing so they think the world revolves around their kids and expect everything to be given to them on a silver platter. They are basically forcing their own failed dreams on their helpless offspring. In turn, their children more often then not become emotionally scared and hate their parents. They are for a lack of a better word MONSTERS. 

Not sure if you can tell but I loathe them. 

ANYWAY

In my agency I get non stop calls from stage moms who are are super bitchy and upset that their child is not being sent out on auditions. They call, they send emails, the drop in unannounced, I am sure they would even send a raven (game of thrones reference) if that was still in style to get noticed. With doing all this you would think that they would do anything to get their kid an audition. Ya… one would think 

For the past month I have had the joy of contacting ALL the stage moms in our agency to get current measurements of their child. Please re-read that sentence…. FOR THE PAST MONTH I have been doing this. It should have taken me a day at most but NO it has taken me a month to track down this information. I have sent 4 follow up emails and left countless voice mails to get this information. 

I just don’t understand how these mothers will hound the agency, bitch me out because their kid isn’t being sent out BUT THEY WILL NOT RESPOND TO A SIMPLE EMAIL

NEWSFLASH!!! the reason your kid isn’t being sent out is because all of our information in the database is from 4 YEARS AGO!!!! obviously they have changed…. unfortunately you are still a monster  stage mom. 

UGH!!! 

And this is the Office Peon’s random rant for the day 

When you are an actor, you want to grab peoples attention. There are many ways to do this…. This SHOULD NOT be one of them

why is this your head shot? Why are you wearing knee high socks with snow boots? Why are you wearing a skirt with snow boots? Are you trying to impersonate the typical so cal bimbo look of short jean skirt with ugg boots? NEWS FLASH THEY CAN NOT PULL IT OFF AND NEITHER CAN YOU SIR!!! 

People never cease to amaze me