Confessions of an Office Peon

Dearest Readers, 

Thank you for reading my little blog about the craziness that happens to be on a somewhat daily basis. Today is the beginning of the Holiday Break and I am going to take FULL advantage of it. 

I am going to sleep in!(this is the type of things I get to look forward to)

I am also going to not answer any phone calls…. well I am going to say I am not going to take any phone calls but I am sure someone will call upon the office peon for some reason or another but then I will have a new blog post (huzzah)

See you next year for all the good, the bad and all things Office Peon

Today we got a Christmas (I guess I should be politically correct) Holiday Tree in our office. TODAY (please notice the date of this post) we got a Christmas  Holiday Tree. Maybe I should give you, the reader, a little more information and perhaps you will be as flabbergasted as I am.

In Hollywood, more so the Entertainment business, the offices usually close early around the Holidays. For most offices (mine included) they are closed the week of Christmas to the New Year.

This system sort of blows this year because Christmas (sorry can’t strike through this one because December 25 is Christmas) falls on a Sunday so I only get 1 week off (I know first world problems). Don’t you think I deserve a little more then just 1 week off for all the madness I deal with on a daily basis?

But I digress…

With our offices being closed next week, why did they even bother getting a tree this year? Who is going to enjoy it while we are closed? So once again there is no one going to be here in the offices to enjoy it or even water it!

Oh no I just had a terrible thought…what if they want, nay expect me to come in during my week off and water the tree. *sigh* I feel as though that is going to happen. Great…just great

Being an office peon there are certain things that one must deal with on daily basis. These things include

*Being yelled at

*take the blame for everything

*be walked over more times then your average doormat

and the number one thing…. drum roll please

*always say yes

With that in mind let’s move on to our topic for the day…not being able to say no

With my job title being Office Peon that unfortunately encompasses all job duties that no one wants to do in the office. I have done the mundane tasks like making coffee, making copies, all to the more extreme avenues like office IT work and going through submissions and deciding the fates of future thespians (their fate is literally in my hands).

I am pretty sure that this daily inner monologue occurs: gah I don’t want to do this. I know who will do it without any questions or hassles….the Office Peon! Then they summon me to do their bidding

Today was no exception.

Working at a talent agency we have many big name clients. Obviously I cannot tell who they are but I can tell you that they are pretty well known. With big name clients come big, pretentious assholes managers who feel as though they are awesome by association. Don’t get me wrong some work very hard for their money but others just skate on by grasping onto the money success of their piggy banks clients. This is a story about the latter. We shall call her Miss Thang because she thinks that her shit don’t stink

Miss Thang: Hey this is Miss Thang (name has been changed…obviously), ______’s manager.

Me: Hello Miss Thang, how are you?

Miss Thang: Well I have been so busy with __________ that I have had no time to eat, sleep let alone breathe.

(I find all of this doubtful and a mere exaggeration madam. I get it you’re busy and going for the dramatics but you can’t tell me that you haven’t eaten, slept or taken a breath. Don’t you need to breathe to talk to me? Take it easy lady, oops I mean Miss Thang)

Me: I am so sorry, ya I feel that way at times too

(she cuts me off so that I can’t even finish that sentence)

Miss Thang: *laughs* oh honey, I find that hard to believe

(Oh no she didn’t!)

*silence*

(I am speechless)

Miss Thang: Well since I know you are not really busy, you can go ahead and help me out

Me: Sure, who may I transfer your phone call to?

Miss Thang: Oh that won’t be necessary I actually called for you

(For me? I don’t like where this is heading)

Me: oh okay, well how can I help you

Miss Thang: Well like I said, I have been so busy with __________ that I have had no time to eat, sleep let alone breathe.

(ya, you told me that already)

Miss Thang: I need you to go to my house and check on my dog

(um….what? Excuse me? Am I hearing this correctly? Where did this even come from? Have I really gone from being an office peon to a dog sitter?)

*silence*

(I am once again speechless)

What do you even say to something like that? I feel as though she was guilt tripping me into checking on her dog. Like “I am way too busy to take care of my designer dog that I only own because I consider it an accessory so since you are a peon you go look after my dog and make sure its still alive”

As much as I didn’t want to nor needed to I still felt obligated to check on her dog on my only free time throughout the day….my lunch break.

Why am I doing this? I asked myself as I let myself into a stranger’s home. Oh that’s right it’s because I am an office peon and my peon duties are not limited to the confinements of the office. They are in fact unlimited for the world to shit on. 

Hello Faithful Readers!

I have decided to create a Twitter account in the hopes of reaching out to more people. It will not only include links to new entries but it will also include funny one liners, pictures, and over all updates on all things office peon

Please help a peon out and follow me @TheOfficePeon or just click on the button to the right of this entry that says Follow @TheOfficePeon 

Share the word

Thank you so much! 

Living in LA I thought I had seen it all…apparently not. Why am I even surprised? 

Today seemed like a normal day… The weather was normal, the coffee was normal, heck even the calls were normal. It seemed like your average no-need-for-an-officepeon-blog day. 

But don’t you worry blogasphere… I have a tale for you

This is the one about the stroller.

A young woman, maybe in her twenties or so, just walked in with a man. An older man….like father grandfather Santa Claus old (I only wish I was exaggerating). The young woman was also pushing a pink stroller with a pink blanket over the top so that you can not see into it. I assumed that there was a baby sleeping in the stroller and the blanket was covering the baby from the outside light. I figured that this was an accurate assumption, wouldn’t you?

Anyway, the woman was here to sign contracts and sit through an orientation (more so an overview of how the agency works, what not to do, blah blah blah). I assumed that she had had to bring her baby for some reason as well as bring this random older man to watch the baby while she was here at the agency. 

All was well in the world until the stroller started making sounds

growl 

I freeze… Did that stroller just growl? What the heck is in there? Is that baby possessed, like paranormal activity possessed? 

I slowly turn towards the stroller…is this demon child going to kill me?

BARK BARK BARK 

What the heck? Is there in fact a dog in that stroller?

ruff ruff BARK BARK

Apparently the answer is yes. Clearly I forgot what assume actually means…. When you assume you are making an ass out of u and me 

Upon further and a more scrutinized observation at the stroller…. I see that it says pet stroller on the stroller and it looks somewhat like this:

Except instead of a cute and tiny puppy in the stroller its a normal size dog. As in the size of a dog that does not need to be in a stroller (there really is no need for a dog to be in stroller but that is besides the point). It would be like if you saw a big kid in a little kids stroller. 

Kind of like this:

It’s just not right and I blame the parents….in this case the moms (both the dog mom and the mom in this picture giving her daughter an ice cream!)

I almost started a fire at work just now

I think I am going to get fired (little play on words, but seriously I think its going to happen)

I have already told you about Stanley (the little heater that could) and I ALMOST KILLED HIM!!!! I didn’t mean to. I was just trying to plug in my cell phone charger when sparks started flying (yes actual sparks!!! It looked like a Michael Bay film but with much more story line) 

Well now my phone is going to die because I value Stanley and the warmth he gives more so then my communication device (thank goodness for the internet) 

But it shall not die before I share a picture of what has happened:

Yup those are scorch marks! Also I apologize for the terrible quality of photo, I have a blackberry and they take beyond terrible photos. 

Don’t worry, no one was hurt…just my dignity 

Well…

I have come to the realization that even though humans are the same species, each and every one is unique in the sense that they all think very differently. This is one of their stories

PPS: Uh…ya so um…. I want to be on that there the tv box

(yes this is word for word what the PPS said to me, I wish I was making this up)

Me: Are you looking to be represented by our agency? 

PPS: Is uh that how all it begins and such?

Me: Yes, one moment please

I transfer PPS to the submission line which details exactly how to submit to our agency

Sure enough he calls back

PPS: Hey there I uh just called you 

(That’s AWESOME would you like a gold star?)

Me: Yes I believe you just did. How may I help you?

PPS: Well ya see there I want to be apart of what you call the uh “adult theatrical” uh ya

Me: Okay, well sir you would need to mail in a head shot and resume to our agency and if an agent is interested they will reach out to you and set up an appointment

PPS: Uh Well you see I have been having some uh ya know trouble with the uh ladies and someone, well they uh told me that you can uh get paid to uh you know 

(I know? I know what? And lets back track a little bit. You sir are having trouble with the ladies? With all the uh’s and um’s, I can’t believe it. What does that have anything to do with it?)

*silence*

PPS: Well uh you guys uh call it “adult theatrical” but I just uh well uh call it porn

(WAIT A SECOND! HOLD THE PHONE! You sir called a talent agency to be apart of their adult theatrical division because you thought it was “code” for being in the porn Adult Film industry?!?!? Also you want to be in the porn Adult Film Industry because you are having some trouble with the ladies? What, is the dating scene so hard that you want to just skip all those dating steps and just jump right into the sack?)

-it should be noted that PPS stands for Potential Porn Star-

Me: I am so sorry sir but we represent actors and models for television shows, movies and commercials. 

PPS: oh uh you uh don’t represent those people I see in the uh videos?

Me: We do not

PPS: Well uh thank you then. uh that was embarrassing

(yes it was… For you and me both) 

Being an Office Peon at a well known agency has its ups and downs. This is a story about one of the many, many downs. 

So it is that special holiday season where it is the most wonderful time of the year … It is a time of gift giving and merriment. Peace on earth and good will towards your fellow man. 

However…

It is also the time to send out Christmas Holiday (I guess I should be politically correct) cards to your family and friends. (or that special “Christmas Holiday Letter” where you pretty much brag about your own life and the many things you have accomplished to people you don’t even talk to). At an agency, they send out Christmas Holiday Cards to clients, casting offices, managers, producers….pretty much everyone they have spoken with over the year.  Lucky for me, I am the one that gets to send them out. Today I had the pleasure of sending out 496 Christmas Holiday cards. 496!!! I wish this was just an exaggeration, but no I counted because it was so overwhelmingly obnoxious. 

Now when I say I had the pleasure of sending out 496 Christmas Holiday cards I mean I had to hand address each envelope (you know for that “personal touch”), fold the card, fold/create the envelope, put the Christmas Holiday card in the envelope, seal it and put a stamp on it….496 times!!!

My one saving grace were these:

Other wise known as THE GREATEST INVENTION OF ALL TIME! Yes these are envelope moistener’s. Instead of licking each individual envelope you just smear some of this and voila its sealed! Whoever invented this…I salute you! Please just imagine licking 496 envelopes…*shudders* Now you can understand why I love these little guys…also look at the happy envelope…he is so happy to help :)

So anyway… now I think I have carpal tunnel from hand writing out each and every address on the 496 envelopes! All for that personal touch we all crave. 

You’re welcome world

It seems to me that outsiders, tourists, and people who just don’t live in Hollywood have a somewhat skewed version of what Hollywood is actually like. To them they think of Hollywood as a place where celebrities roam free, the streets are made of gold, and by simply walking along Hollywood Blvd you can be discovered at any moment. This is unfortunately not the case

*spoiler alert* When they show Hollywood on TV, that is actually Beverly Hills and Beverly Hills is 6 miles away from Hollywood. Now that might not seem very far, but when you live in LA, 6 miles can take you 1 hour, 2 hours or all of eternity if you get stuck in rush hour or on the dreaded 405. The 405 is like Voldermort… you do not speak its name! Hollywood is also not a place where celebrities roam free; instead it’s just homeless people and costumed freaks.  The streets are not made of gold, they are paved with broken dreams, failed aspirations, #1 and #2 (think about it, you will eventually get it) and trash… mounds and mounds of TRASH. Also hate to break it to you but no one just gets discovered anymore. It just does not happen.

So this brings me to our topic for the day…. Mr Moneybags

Mr Moneybags: Hi, My name is My Moneybags (name has been changed….obviously) and my grandfather just died

(What?!?!?  It’s hard enough when you actually know the person whose grandfather just passed away. But when it’s a complete stranger on the phone…What do you even say to that?)

Me: I am so sorry for you loss

Mr Moneybags: Eh no big deal. We were not even that close and I didn’t know he died until just now

(What?!?!?  Where is this conversation going and who does he think he called?)

*silence*

Mr Moneybags: He left me a huge inheritance so I want to use that money to get famous

(oh no! We have reached our Douchebag limit within the city and we are not taking any more applications at this time. Please stay away…FOREVER)

-it should be noted that at times my job can be quite boring and as annoying as these people can be sometimes I indulge. A social experiment if you will. *in Australian accent* CRIKEY! Look at this specimen. GORGEOUS! Have you ever seen such a beautiful creature up close? And of course you want to be famous little fella. Alright well let’s put Mr Moneybags back in his natural habitat and observe-

*silence*

(because I am observing)

Mr Moneybags: So what do I do now, let me specify what do you do now?

(Well being an office peon I can do one of many things. I can transfer your call, make coffee, get yelled at… I mean these are things that can help you get famous right?)

Me: Well I can transfer you to the submission line and it will detail exactly how to submit to our agency

Mr Moneybags: What? But I have lots money

(Who is this guy’s grandfather anyways? Richie Rich? Daddy Warbucks? Steve Jobs….too soon?)

Me: Well this is the policy of our agency and it will be the first step on your path to fame

(I know such a philosophical response that is actually covering up the fact that I am just going to transfer you to a recorded line)

Mr Moneybags: but I want to be famous, isn’t money all you need?

(Now I know that Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian are famous because they are rich. But you sir are still one step behind them. You do not have a sex tape, at least I hope not. Might I suggest using your money  to invest in a camera with night vision?)

Me: It will help

What saddens me is that I will probably be seeing Mr Moneybags either in my office or on the red carpet within a year. If this is true I am going to sell my story to the highest bidder and become famous myself.

People can think they are so clever sometimes, little do they know I can see through their bullshit deception

Take for instance my encounter with a man we shall call James Bond. 

(now this happened face to face not over the phone)

James Bond: Hello, my name is Bond, James Bond 

(okay that didn’t really happen but c’mon I couldn’t resist…lets start over)

James Bond: Hello, my name is James Bond (name has been changed…obviously) and I was wondering if I could speak to Agent A (name has been changed)

-side note: James bond is dressed as only a casual James Bond should…Khaki pants, loafers, sweater, with a white collared shirt sticking out and a blazer…. kinda like this:

(Don’t worry this is a model not the actual person I am talking about, but you get the idea) 

Me: Is Agent A expecting you?

James Bond: Yes Agent A is

(somehow I don’t believe this because Agent A is not in the office today and if they were expecting you I am pretty sure they would have alerted you to them being away from the office) 

Me: I am so sorry but Agent A is actually in a meeting away from the office

James Bond: Is there anyone else in that division that I can speak with?

Me: I am so sorry but there is not 

James Bond: May I speak with your commercial and lifestyle divison?

(Hmm….somehow I don’t think you know what you are talking about. I know at other agencies they do have a Commercial and Lifestyle division but in my opinion I think it’s just to make them sound more pretentious…here we just call it our Commercial Division, I call shenanigans on you sir) 

Me: Are you looking to submit to our agency?

James Bond: No I am currently signed with you but I have been out of town filming a movie overseas and I wanted to touch base with the agents. 

(MAJOR FOOT IN MOUTH MOMENT….oh great I know I have offended James Bond. I have mistaken him for a person trying to get into our agency when in fact he is already with the agency. Now he must loathe me for not knowing who he is and thinking that the agency has truly forgotten him….great…just great)

Me: I am so sorry, I am new 

(I love using the whole “I’m new” line. I think I will use it for as long as I can. I think its funny that by simply saying “I am sorry I am new” people usually give you some slack. Now I am not saying one should use this phrase freely, you should just use it wisely)

James Bond: No worries can you let an assistant know that James Bond is here to speak with the commercial and lifestyles agent. 

(let an assistant know? How many assistants were here when you were allegedly signed here? Also why didn’t you tell me the name of your agent like you did with Agent A)

-Agent B (the “commercial and lifestyles agent”) assistant is on the phone so I instant message her (aim for all you cool kids)

officepeon: hey I have James Bond here to see you 

Assistant: James Bond? Who the heck is that?

officepeon: He says that he is a client of the commercial and lifestyle division

Assistant: LOL what? No he is not. I have no idea who that is 

officepeon: ok

Assistant: I call shenanigans 

officepeon: Me2

Me: I am so sorry but they are in a meeting at the moment

James Bond: Well can you alert the On camera adult theatrical division that I am here

(hmm…once again I don’t think you know what you are talking about. No one calls our division that…its simply the Theatrical Division. Don’t get me wrong these elaborate titles you are spouting off to me with your pretentious “suave” attitude can be somewhat convincing but you are a bit over the top dude)

Me: of course…one moment

*calls Agent C*

Agent C: Ya?

Me: I have James Bond here to see you

Agent C: James who?

Me: Bond, James Bond (hehe I couldn’t resist)

Agent C:  I don’t know who that is

*click*

Me: I apologize but they are in a meeting as well

James Bond: Well I have to go to the studios for a producers meeting. I am going to leave my information with you. Can you give it to them so they can contact me?

Me: Of course

He leaves his head shot, resume and look book 

I KNEW IT!!!

You are not represented by our agency, you just want to be represented. Better luck next time bond. Good luck with your next round of shenanigans.

Meet Stanley….

My space heater….

I was originally going to call him Fabio because he is so hot (oh man I crack myself up) but as you can see he is really nothing special but he gets the job done…therefore his name is Stanley. 

So I live in Southern California for a reason….The Sunshine. I do not live in Florida or Arizona because even though they do have sunshine, Arizona is far too hot and dry and Florida is far too hot and wet. I am like the Goldilocks of weather, it has to be just right. 

ANYWAY…

WHAT HAS BEEN GOING ON WITH THE WEATHER IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA?!?!?! IT HAS BEEN SO COLD. Yes I know its not freezing and snowing but it is still freezing. So much so that I have to bust out Stanley!

It should be noted that my office was not made for such cold weather. Do you want to know how I know this….. the floor is all tile, the front doors are made of glass (a heavy glass so they are not blowing open and closed every time there is a gust of wind thank goodness because that would be annoying) which causes major drafts, and there is not even a heating vent near me. Needless to say with it being in the 40’s outside (this morning it was 38!!!) I would be a frozen office peon without Stanley. 

*prays* Dearest heater gods please don’t let Stanley die on me, he is my only friend heater.  

If it were socially acceptable I would be wearing sweats, sweatshirt, beanie and gloves to work. But alas I must look “professional” well, look is not the right choice of word…. How about I would like to feel professional. It’s quite hard to try and look professional or at least somewhat decent when your whole wardrobe is geared towards true southern California weather.

I know first world problems, Thank you for pointing this out to me…. I hate myself now

This might just be me but when I call a number I usually know who I am calling and what the conversation will entail that is unless it’s a wrong number.

But back to what I was saying originally, if I need to know when a restaurant closes I will call the restaurant and ask when they close and the person on the other end of the phone will tell me. Or if I am calling let’s say a business I usually know what kind of business it is before I dial the number. Friends shouldn’t let friends dial STUPID! Just saying

Which brings me to this post. 

(I feel like almost daily I get the following types of phone calls)

Pea-brain: What is this?

Me: This is a talent agency

Pea-brain: What is that?

Me: A Talent Agency represents actors and models in the entertainment business

Pea-Brain: To do what?

Me: To be on TV, in the movies, and advertisements 

Pea-Brain: Oh, Why would you want to do that?

(I feel as though I should have never answered their first question… Now I am obligated to continue answering these questions. But why does anyone really do anything? Like why are you calling me and asking me these questions when you could have found all the answers on this thing called GOOGLE)

Me: I am not sure

(I feel as though this is the best and more polite answer… in all honesty if you have a better response to these people please tell me. A bunch of answers always pop in my head like “why wouldn’t you?” or “that’s just what they want to do” or “why not”….)

Pea-Brain: So you guys have auditions for movies?

Me: No that is more of what casting offices do. We find auditions for actors to go to and make sure that they are properly compensated for their work. 

(I mean that is pretty much the basis of a talent agency)

Pea-Brain: YOU MEAN PEOPLE GET PAID TO BE ON TV?!?!?! 

(Is this really that big of a surprise to you?)

Other times people are one step ahead. They know who they are calling they just lack the proper communication skills 

Mr Shy: um… um… um.. hi

Me: Hello, how may I help you

Mr Shy: well um…. you see um ….I was um ….thinking um ….I wanted to be *he takes a deep breath* um…. you know ….um a um….. actor and um…. ya 

(oh honey, you are so precious but maybe you need to rethink your career path)

Me: Okay if you like I can transfer you to our submission line it will explain exactly how to submit to our agency 

Mr Shy: um…. okay

Then there are the people who know who they are calling, they have the proper communication skills they are just naive 

Miss Naive: Good afternoon, my name is Miss Naive (name has been changed….obviously) and I am calling you because you are a talent agency and I want to be famous. Is this the number I call if I want to be famous?

(I am speechless…. why yes this IS the number you call if you want to be famous. You have found the elusive telephone number that only the likes of Beyonce and Lady Gaga know of. Congratulations let me schedule your movie premiere and magazine cover right now) 

As some of you know I love me a good prank. Sometimes I have to take a break from the crazy phone calls and just reak havoc on those unsuspecting individuals in my office.

Some can take a bit of time:

Yup both the phone and the computer mouse are wrapped in rubber bands

This next one was a wee bit time consuming:

If you can’t quite see it…. I actually changed out the keys to spell a message on the keyboard. The message is supposed to read “smackdown”. The person that I performed this prank on is a huge wrestling fan and has to look down at the keys to type. When he went into a meeting I thought it was the perfect opportunity to rearrange his keys on his keyboard. He was quite confused at first but once he realized what I had done he couldn’t stop laughing. 

The above might seem simple and stupid but the more simple the prank the more hilarious. The chair has cereal on it just for fun but the actual prank is the tape around the arms of the chair. I was running out of things to do and it was somewhat of a time crunch. I honestly didn’t think this was going to work. I thought it would just be more annoying then anything. HOWEVER….When the unsuspecting victim went to sit on their chair they couldn’t and actually slipped out of the chair and onto the floor. It was unexpectedly hysterical.

By far my favorite prank that I have successfully accomplished was putting a stapler in jell-o just like in “The Office”:

You can find simple instructions online to do this http://www.jellostapler.com/stapler-in-jello.html (I actually recommend using more jell-o packets to make the jell-o mold more sturdy and more delicious if you decide on eating your stapler out) I also turned it into a stapler in jell-o sort of party the night before where we did this and watched the episode of the office where Jim does this to Dwight. 

Also one that I have done is change the speed of their mouse to super slow. To do this (on a pc) go to Control Panel-Mouse-Pointer Options-Select Pointer Speed and move it all the way to the left to Slow. This is a simple and effective prank (not to mention an annoying one) 

I do have a few warnings regarding pranks

1) you need to make sure they are done in fun

2) can be easily remedied.

3) expect to be pranked 

Due to my pranks I did receive an award as best prankster in the office. I love my award: 

The phone calls that always make me chuckle are the following:

Airhead: Hey I just missed a call from you 

(Awesome! *sarcasm*)

Me: Who may I transfer you to?

Airhead: Well I don’t know who called, do you?

(Obviously I have no idea who called you if I am asking who to transfer you to)

Me: I am sorry I do not know who called you. Did they leave a voice message?

Airhead: ya but I figured I would just call you 

Me: I am sorry but I don’t know who to transfer your call to

*silence*

Airhead: Maybe I should check my voice message

(ya think?)

I have said this before and I will say it again, people never cease to amaze me. 

I was sitting at my desk at work when this woman came in with a GIANT DOG. Now before I go any further, I love dogs. I think they are cute, fun and adorable. HOWEVER when your dog is as big as my car (okay that’s a bit of an exaggeration but you get the idea), you probably shouldn’t bring it into an office. Just saying. 

Back to my story…

This woman came in with her HUGE DOG and it caught me off guard (wouldn’t it do the same to you) 

Dog woman: My husband is here signing paperwork so my dog and I are just going to stay here

(Um… what?)

Me: I haven’t seen your husband 

Dog woman: Well he is here signing paperwork or whatever

Me: Do you mind if I ask who is signing paperwork with?

(because for one NO ONE IS IN THE OFFICE BUT ME so unless he is signing papers with a ghost I don’t think he is here) 

Dog Woman: I don’t know (she is a little offended I asked her by the way which boggles my brain) some notary 

Me: I am so sorry but we are not a notary. We are a talent agency

-I also need to add that not only is her dog HUGE he is also not happy to be in the office. He clearly wants to be anywhere but here and he is tugging on his leash and pulling his owner left to right, right to left and so on-

Dog Woman: so he is not here

Me: Not that I am aware of

Dog Woman: Well then where is he?

(Now she says this statement to me like I am supposed to know where her husband is at all times. Also the smart alec in me wants to say something along the lines of “maybe he is at the notary” but I refrain)

Me: I am not sure

Dog woman: Well you are useless

(and with some trouble from her dog she leaves) 

Now what was that all about? My mind begins to run wild like maybe her husband is having an affair and told her he would be at a fake address at a fake time and it turns out that this fake address is none other then my office? I start to create this whole story in my head about their lives, his mistresses, and their dog wishing to run free from all this drama. I am just about to conclude my epic screenplay when she returns to the door. 

A little side note to this story, I sit at the front desk of my agency which is by the front door (SHOCKER). However its about 2 feet from the actual door and then I sit behind about 2 feet of desk space. So I am about 4 feet from the door. 

So she is standing at the front door and peeks her head in while I am on the phone

Dog Woman: um hello you over there (and I kid you not she snaps at me to get my attention)

(all of this is done while I am on the phone, you know doing my job, I tell the caller to hold) 

Dog Walker: *in a very rude tone* The notary is located in the building next door to yours. How did you of all people not know that?

(wait, what? Me of all people? What does that even mean? Does it mean that I should know all the business within a 1 mile radius of where I work? I work on a busy street where businesses are constantly changing madam. Also I am pretty positive that you don’t even know all your neighbors on your own block!) 

Me: Oh okay

(I go back to the caller on the phone and try to continue my job)

Dog Woman: Here take this 

-Just a reminder that she is at the door with only her head and now her arm in the office-

(I put the caller on hold again)

Me: Excuse me?

Dog Woman: Take this folder from my hands and give it to _________ 

Me: I am so sorry but this is not ________ that is actually next door

Dog Walker: Do I care that they are next door? Take this folder from my hands and give it to them. How hard is that?

(What is this woman thinking? Is she seriously too good to walk next door to the offices of the correct recipient of her folder that she is making me do it. Also furthermore why can’t she hand me the folder or even leave it on the desk? Does she want me to pretty much drop everything I am doing, get up and walk over to her and take the folder out of her hands and deliver it to the office next door?!?! Also I am assuming that whatever she has is from the notary and wouldn’t you think that is something that is a wee bit important? But hey what do I know? I was lumped in the category of “you people”)

Me: Sure

(I will do anything at this point to get you to leave)

What a crazy person who clearly thought too highly of themselves. 

Oh Happy Friday

I was actually looking forward to today because its Friday and that means I am only a few hours away from being free. Even if it is just for 2 days, it’s 2 glorious crazy free days. 

Well now I am counting down the minutes till I am out of here because I have only been here for about a hour and I have already had to deal with an indecisive stage mom…. we will call her IDS for short

IDS: Yes I need to speak to _______ my name is IDS (obviously her name has been changed)

Me: One moment please

(put IDS on hold and talk to _________)

Me: Hello I have IDS on the line

_______: IDS? I don’t know who that is *click*

Me: I am so sorry IDS but ______ is unavailable at the moment, do you mind if I transfer you to their voice mail?

IDS: Well this is kind of a random call. You see I was referred to her for representation for my daughter and I wanted to set up a meeting for them to meet her. Do you think I should leave everything on the voicemail?

(Well if you are just a random submission call they are not going to return your voice mail. I know SHOCKER! But seriously if you were super busy and some random person asked you to give them a call to see their  ”talented” child without knowing anything about them, would you call them back? Ya, didn’t think so. So I tried to throw her a bone)

Me: If you like I can transfer you to our submission line and it will detail exactly how to submit to our agency

IDS: Well I know that you can sometimes get lost in the regular submissions, can’t I just jump ahead and talk to them directly

(Who do you think you are lady? By the way I googled her and child after the phone call and nothing came up)

Me: I am so sorry but _______ is unavailable. I can offer their voice mail

IDS: Well do you think they will return my call?

(Why do people put me in this position. First of all how am I supposed to know if they will return your call? Second of all what kind of question is that?)

Me: ______ is very busy and they will try and return your call in a timely manner

IDS: Well I don’t know, I just don’t want the voice mail to get deleted

Me: Would you like me to send you to the submission line then?

(Make up your mind woman!!!!) 

IDS: What do you recommend? 

(I recommend you make up your mind!!!)

Me: I would suggest being transferred to the submission line where it will detail exactly how you can submit to our agency. 

IDS: Is it just a recording?

Me: Yes it is a recorded line with all of the information that you will need

IDS: But I want to talk to a real person

(WELL THEN WHAT AM I?!?!?!)

*silence*

(because apparently I am not a real person capable of real emotions or actions) 

IDS: Hello?

Me: Hello 

IDS: um… I guess can you transfer me to _______ voice mail?

Me: Sure

(HOW HARD WAS THAT?!?!?! The voice mail was the first thing I offered!) 

Somehow I feel like this is going to be a long day